INTJs are one of the personality types known for doing the notorious “doorslam.” What is the door slam? That’s where the INTJ abruptly cuts someone out of his or her life. In this article and video, I’m going to talk about why an INTJ may do this. And I can tell you that a lot of INTJs do this, and I have had to cut certain people out of my life.
Why Do INTJs Cut People Out?
INTJs are not these cold-hearted people with no emotions. INTJs do have emotions. Furthermore, we do value and love people. I want to say that upfront because many people have the idea that INTJs have ice running through their veins. (Perhaps some do, but many don’t).
When an INTJ cuts out a person, it is usually a last resort. It’s the final nail in the coffin of an already toxic relationship.
What tends to happen is that an INTJ is in a relationship (perhaps it’s dating, family, or friendship), and the other person is consistently doing something that the INTJ detests. It could be any of the following:
- Manipulating the INTJ
- Constantly lying to the INTJ
- Physically harming the INTJ
- Cheating on the INTJ
- Constantly having drama or arguments or criticizing the INTJ
- Having unrealistic expectations for the relationship (constantly asking the INTJ to hang out when he/she has a career, family, school, etc)
- Having difference of opinion concerning morals or politics
- Ignoring the INTJ’s complaints (if an INTJ complains, he or she is really bothered by it)
- Having a heated confrontation or sharp disagreement may cause the INTJ to feel very uncomfortable around you, and he or she may cut you out
- Basically, anything that could cause the INTJ to experience emotional discomfort or feel that the relationship is not good
The INTJ will often attempt to make the relationship work. He or she may confront you about the situation. However, if nothing works, the INTJ will cut you off, and it may look something like this:
- The INTJ may shut down communication lines and stop responding to emails, text, etc.
- The INTJ may never make time to hang out with you. He or she will suddenly get very busy.
- The INTJ may warn you to never contact them again.
- The INTJ may not even tell you what’s wrong, because he or she will feel that it’s pointless. They’ve already made their decision, and they perceive that you won’t care and/or it would only lead to a pointless confrontation.
- The INTJ may suddenly vanish, quit a job, move, or something like that. I’ve door slammed employers before. I once put in a two weeks’ notice by requesting a two-week vacation, and then handing them a letter on my final day before the vacation. I never complained or talked about it. I just submitted the notice and disappeared.
When an INTJ cuts someone out, it’s usually because the INTJ sees no other option. He or she feels that if they say something, you won’t listen. If they try a solution, it won’t work. The only possible solution is to cut off the relationship, so that’s what the INTJ does. It can even be over something seemingly small.
Once an INTJ cuts a person out, it’s often for good. The INTJ may hate that it got to that point, but he or she will rarely regret cutting the person out. The INTJ may wish things could have been different, or even think about the person from time to time. But they often move on with little or no remorse.
However, sometimes INTJs are willing to forgive. For example, there are people I’ve cut out that, and I forgive what they’ve done. I’ve even reconciled with some people. However, I haven’t reconciled with others because they were unwilling to change certain behaviors or attitudes. If they were, I’d be willing to have some contact with them. The problem is that many people are too proud or arrogant to admit fault or change.
In conclusion, INTJs can abruptly cut people out. They can move on and close themselves off to further contact. However, INTJs can also be forgiving, and may consider reconciliation. It all depends on the context, offense, and personal attitude of the INTJ.