How do INTJ personality types approach friendships? Do INTJs have a lot of friends? Or do INTJs keep a small circle of friends (or even have no friends)?
In this article (and video), I’ll discuss how INTJs approach friendships. This is from my own observations of other INTJs, as well as my own preferences.
INTJs tend to have a few number of friends, or perhaps even no friends. In fact, I don’t really consider myself to have friends outside of my current family. Why? I simply don’t have time. Friendships take work and time. I have a wife, son, extended family, and a business to run.
When I mention “friends,” I’m not talking about being friendly to someone or having acquaintances. We all have friendly acquaintances at work, school, or whatever. Rather, I’m talking about having friends in the sense of spending time with them outside of work, confiding your hopes, dreams, and fears to them, etc.
I don’t have any “friends” in that sense.
INTJs May Struggle to Make Friends
INTJs often have difficulty making friends. Why? I’ll give you two reasons:
- We’re solitary people. We prefer our own privacy and solitude. It’s hard to find an INTJ outside of work or home, because that’s where we spend most of our time.
- We also have very narrow interests, and many people don’t share our interests. We may be into science, technology, programming, theories, or whatever. Most people cannot relate with an INTJ.
In general, introverts tend to have 1-3 friends, yet those friendships tend to be very serious and deep. Extroverts tend to have a larger circle of friends, yet those relationships are more superficial in nature.
INTJs are Selective When Picking Friends
INTJs tend to be very selective when choosing friends. For example, I’ll be friendly and respectful to anyone, but I’ll be very picky when choosing a friend. INTJs often have a set criteria in mind when it comes to friends. We’re always evaluating how a person acts, what they believe, whether they’re honest, etc. It’s almost as if we have a running database in our minds of things people do and what they believe.
If we sense some trait in you that we don’t like, we’ll never be your friend. We’ll be nice to you, but we won’t want to spend time with you or confide our personal lives to you. This is also true in other INTJ relationships.
INTJs Keep Secrets
If you confide something to an INTJ, he or she will likely keep that secret until death. INTJs take secrets seriously, and we don’t like to gossip. If you treat us kindly, we’ll keep your secret safe.
We also tend to be loyal and loving friends. We’ll open up to you and bear our souls, but this can take time.
Don’t Betray an INTJ
If you betray an INTJ, you’ve probably lost them for life. INTJs have a knack for turning off a “switch” in their minds. They will absolutely walk away from a bad relationship. If we feel that you’re wasting our time, we’re done. If we feel that you’re trying to hurt us, betray us, or manipulate us, we’re done.
An INTJ will forgive you if you show extreme sorrow and make an effort to change, but it’s a long shot. We may forgive but move on to something else.
An INTJ Likes You If…
If an INTJ spends time with you outside of work, he or she probably likes you and considers you a friend. If an INTJ tells you his or her private thoughts, dreams, fears, and so on, he or she likes you. If an INTJ makes regular contact with you (email, text, phone, etc.), he or she likes you.
INTJs rarely make the effort to talk or spend time with people if they don’t like them.
INTJs Need Space in Friendships
INTJs don’t have a need to hang out every day. We need space. We need to read, think, and accomplish things. We need to have solitary leisure where we can lie in bed and watch a thrilling movie.
It’s great to hang out every once in a while, but too much wears us out, especially if we have families, careers, etc. If you invite the INTJ to do something, and he or she turns you down, I’d recommend letting the INTJ be the next one to invite. It can be frustrating turning down endless invitations, and it can create tensions in relationships.
By the way, INTJs sometimes go weeks or months without hanging out with a friend. In most cases, we still consider you a friend. It’s just that we don’t need to see you that often. Some people get upset and feel like the INTJ isn’t a true friend, when if fact, most INTJs are shocked to learn that others feel that way. A surefire way to annoy an INTJ is to pester them about coming around more.
INTJ Friendship Conclusion
INTJs often make reliable, dependable, and loving friends. We’ll help out a friend, and stick by them. We’ll take your secrets to the grave, and we’ll keep your best interests at heart.
Yes, we’re hard to get to know, but we will open up as we learn to trust you. However, if you betray us.