How do INTJ personality types approach relationships? INTJs are often stereotyped as aloof, private, cold, and unemotional. Many people struggle to build a relationship of any kind with an INTJ. Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation and false stereotypes concerning how INTJs approach relationships such as romance or dating, friendships, or parenting.
In this article, I’ll share how I (an INTJ) approach these topics. I’ll also reveal to you how most INTJs will cut off a bad relationship. These traits are true for most INTJs I know (myself included), but every INTJ is different, so keep that in mind.
INTJs and Romantic Relationships
How do INTJs approach romantic relationships? In general, many INTJs will relate with the following statements:
- INTJs may struggle to find a suitable mate due to their high standards. When I say “high standards,” I don’t necessarily mean beauty. It may be personality, intellect, faith, or whatever standard the INTJ has set in his or her mind.
- INTJs have difficulty establishing the relationship if they do find a mate of interest, primarily due to their disdain for small talk or excessive social interaction, their verbal bluntness, narrow interests, and their inability to relate with a most people.
- INTJs can be romantic and creative in relationships. When I proposed to my wife, I spread out flower petals and had candles lit. However, INTJs can also become preoccupied with their own ideas/careers/hobbies and neglect those romantic things. If you want the INTJ to do something romantic, let them know. They are usually happy to oblige.
- INTJs tend to buy practical gifts: What do you want? Tell the INTJ by giving him or her a list of things you want, and he or she will probably get it.
- I’m affectionate to my wife physically, emotionally, and verbally—but not so much with others. I often praise her beauty, hug her, etc.
- INTJs often take their mate’s intimate satisfaction very seriously.
- INTJs can become extremely close with their mates. My wife is my best friend. I tell her everything, and she’s the only person I trust 100%. C.S. Lewis, the late author and Christian apologist, was very grieved when his wife died from cancer.
- INTJs will often open up their souls and give their partners everything—if you allow them. However, this can take time. The INTJ will have to fully trust you. He or she will have to feel comfortable enough to open up without feeling vulnerable.
- INTJs tend to be faithful. I’m sure there are some exceptions, but many INTJs take relationships seriously.
- INTJs can become extremely distraught over losing a loved one.
I’ll talk more about dating and romance in another article.
INTJs and Friendships
How do INTJs approach friendships? Here are my observations about INTJs and friends:
- INTJs often have few friends (or even no friends). They may have difficulty making friends due to their private, introverted nature and specific (sometimes unpopular) hobbies or interests. When I say “friends,” I’m not talking about friendly acquaintances. I’m talking about real friends outside of work or family–people with whom you spend a great deal of time. Many INTJs have only 1-3 real friends at a time, as do many introverted types.
- Just like with dating, INTJs tend to have very high standards when it comes to making friends. They won’t be friends with just anyone. You’ll have to meet their own criteria (which will vary depending on the INTJ).
- INTJ friendships tend to be based on common intellectual interests or hobbies.
- INTJs tend to be loyal, and they know how to keep a secret. They will also be honest with you (sometimes brutally so).
- Depending on the INTJ’s circumstances, he or she may prefer to only hang out every few weeks (or months). INTJs need very little social interaction, because they spend a lot of time in their own minds. This is especially true if the INTJ has a thriving family or career.
I’ll talk more about friends in another article.
INTJs as Parents
Here’s how INTJs often approach parenting:
- INTJs are often devoted and serious parents. We want a real relationship with our children. I love my son, and I want to be a good father to him, especially since I grew up without a father.
- INTJs take education seriously. We value knowledge and want our children to receive the best education they can. I plan to do that for my son.
INTJs want children to be independent and self-sufficient. My wife and I plan to give our son an allowance for chores, and allow him to buy his own clothing and so forth from that. Why? Because we want him to learn how to work and manage his own money from an early age. I also want to teach my son how to drive, manage a checking account, grow in his career, etc.
- INTJs may be affectionate with their children, but many struggle with showing emotions or signs of affection. I’m very affectionate with my son. I often tell him that I love him. I hug him, etc. I feel that is a father’s responsibility, even if it feels uncomfortable to some. Some INTJs struggle in this area.
- Many INTJs want small number of kids, or even no kids.
- INTJs may dislike the “baby” phase and much prefer adolescence or adulthood with their children. This is true for me. Having a baby was very difficult because I lost sleep and couldn’t reason with my son. The older he gets, the more I enjoy parenting.
- INTJs may have difficulty dealing with an extremely social child, a very emotional child, a drama queen, etc.
- INTJs plan everything out for their child. I don’t believe any parent should choose a career for their child. I’m going to be looking at my child’s own interests, and I’ll help him develop those. However, I do plan to strategically help my child get an education, find work, and so forth once he settles on a career.
How an INTJ Ends a Relationship
Now that I’ve revealed how INTJs approach these various relationships, let me explain how most INTJs end a relationship. The truth is that once we’ve decided that a relationship is unhealthy (regardless of whether it is family, friends, or romantic relationships), we will likely respond in the following way:
- When you offend or insult an INTJ in some way, he or she may overlook it. Most INTJs have a long fuse. However, we have a bomb at the end of that long fuse. If you irritate us or treat us badly long enough, we may just abruptly ditch you or blow up. If we blow up, we may point out every little irritation you’ve caused since the day we met you. INTJs have a very critical and lethal tongue–you’ve been warned!
- Some INTJs are more aggressive, and he or she may confront a person directly in an argumentative way. If an INTJ has confronted you, the relationship may already be over in that INTJ’s mind (or hanging by a thread). That INTJ probably doesn’t like you very much, and if you want to keep him or her in your life, you’d better get serious about apologizing and making things right.
- Once an INTJ has marked you, he or she will begin to systematically cut you out of the details of their plans, dreams, and activities.
- The INTJ will suddenly become unavailable to “hang out” or go on a date. He or she may even change phone numbers, take longer to email, stop responding to texts, etc.
- If you bug the INTJ, he or she may tell you it’s over and move on. He or she may even threaten you, if necessary.
- While many INTJs will forgive someone who expresses genuine sorrow over some offense, INTJs are notorious for instantly (and often permanently) cutting off a relationship and never looking back. Yep, when you mess with an INTJ, the relationship is often over for good. Don’t assume that the INTJ is okay with your nonsense. He or she is probably already plotting ways to end the relationship.
In conclusion, that’s how most INTJs approach relationships such as romance, friendships, and parenting. That’s also how most INTJs respond to people taking advantage of them, using them, or mistreating them in a relationship.